Everyone else just has the lame e-mail of Emo's jokes that has gone around about a million times. Not me. I don't run that kind of a web site. It sickens me. Ripping stuff off and putting it onto their web sites. ummm... sometimes I... no, that's someone else.

The comedic stylings of Emo:

I went to school, ya know. I went to grammar school and once we were taking a test and I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the teacher heard my xerox machine. She said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?," and I said, "Ah, yes and no." She sends me to the principal's office and I get there and sit down and he looks at me and says, "Emo, Emo, Emo." I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken slob." He said, "Emo, how would you like to repeat the fifth grade?" I said, "I don't know if I could do it exactly, but I could try." He said, "I could expel you!" I said, "You'll have to catch and eat me first, ya wierdo." He said, "Emo, you'll have to see the school psychologist." And I said, "But why do I have to see the school psychologist?" So he shows me the petition. So I went to the psychologist and he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Well, it's kind of embarrassing." He said, "Emo, everyone sees something silly. Don't be embarrassed. Tell me, what does this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Well, uh, to me, um, it looks like, uh, standard pattern number 3 in the Rorshach series to test obssessive compulsiveness." And he got kind of depressed, so I said, "OK, it's a butterfly." And he cheered up. "And what does this inkblot look like?" I said it looks like a horrible, ugly blob of pure evil, that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degredation." He said, "No, uh the inkblots over there, that's a photo of my wife you're looking at." "Oh, was I far off?" He said, "No, that's the sad part." And he gave me a chocolate easter bunny and I ate the bunny, then I thought, hey, this isn't easter. "Is this a test?" And he said, "Yes." "And what does it mean?" He said, "Had you eaten the ears first you would have been normal. Had you eaten the feet first you would have had an inferiority complex. Had you eaten the tail first you would have had latent homosexual tendencies and had you eaten the breasts first you would have had a latent oedipal complex." "Well...go on, what does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream 'stop staring at me?'" He said, "It means you have a tendency towards self destruction." I said, "Well, what do you recommend?" He said, "Go for it."

Emo in court: Judge, "Emo?"
Emo, "Yes."
Judge, "Emo Phillips?"
Emo, "Yes."
Judge, "You're Emo Philips."
Emo, "Well why don't you just keep adding a word until your brain explodes!"

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

Oh, yes...I've tried my hand at sex.

Receipe for raisin cookies
1.Preheat oven to 800 degrees.
2.Pour 1 and 5/4th cups of milk into a large pot.
3.Mix.
4.Drive to store for cornmeal.
5.Stir cornmeal into the milk.
6.Add three pounds of cole slaw (OPTIONAL).
7.Drive to store for molasses.
8.Add 217/434ths cups of molasses.
9.Look around for raisins.
10.Curse.
11.Drive to store for raisins.
12.Add nine.
13.Search whole house for lousy stinking nutmeg.
14.Kick oven.
15.Hop around on one foot, cursing.
16.Drive to stupid stinking store for stupid stinking lousy blasted nutmeg.
17.Punch cashier after her stupid and predictable, "Oh, fancy seeing YOU here again" remark.
18.Drive home after being beaten by pig-faced Nazi stockboys.
19.Put key in front door, causing spark which explodes house full of gas that escaped from oven after kick caused pilot light to go out.
- Serves Four

Emo on keeping slim: "I kind of pace a lot, foam at the mouth and lots of times, God visits me during the night."

Emo on the power of slaw: "Well, To me it's like a symbol for the whole universe, for the cosmos. The chopped cabbage is us; we were like one universal spirit and then we're chopped through life. And we're apart then. You know what I mean? But then the love is the mayonnaise that holds us together. And you, I think, are the severed mouse head in the middle of the bowl. I don't mean that in an offensive way but in the best of all possible ways. Because you're the extra protein!"

On performing in the midwest: "I like Milwaukee. I go there every year for a sensory depravation experiment." "I figured out that Wisconsin comes from the Indian word which means 'Yes, I will have butter with that'. "

On the 600+ world wide web sites quoting him: "There's about six hundred sites that I've lived on. Mostly building sites. I sleep in the dumpsters with Margo Kidder." (Actually, this self described computer-illiterate wanted the URL "www.emo.com" for his internet address but found it was already taken by a computer company.

On macho computer jargon "They always use these terms like "surfing the web" or "corporate headhunting", all these really macho or even savage names but these poor people work at desk jobs their whole lives . It's like, a guy walks into an office and goes up to this woman, 'Oh Sara, can you cannibalize and tear the head off of this floppy disk for me? Drink the blood out of this program. I'm sorry, I'm still formatting this program but then I have to eye-screw it.' "

On Happiness: "I'm just completely out of the loop but I don't care. I have a little shack and a revolver and I'm happy. I just sit in the corner waiting for someone to come through, just waiting. I'm very happy."

I used to think that the brain was the greatest organ in the human body.... then I realized, `Hey! Look what's telling me that!'

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

The toughest time... in anyone's life... is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the Devil.

I ran three miles today, finally I said, "lady take your purse."

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from bar stool to bar stool, trying to get lucky... but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... they don't know I'm only using blanks.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, yo two."

I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

Once I went to the library. I said, "I'd like a book on the Heimlich anti-choking maneuver," and the guy said, "look at the card catalog. I'm busy." So I go to the card catalog. I look under Heimlich and choking and maneuver. It's not any of those places. And I see this first aid book with the section and I take it and that guy said, "It's a reference book. You can't take it out; you have to Xerox it." I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" He said, "It's not a bank, it's a library." So I go to this souvenir stand and I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" They said, "It's not a bank, it's a souvenir stand." So I go to this bank, and they said, "Yes, this is a bank." And they give me the change and I come back to it. And by this time there's a line of students Xeroxing their books or whatever and I -- finally I Xerox the Heimlich. As I go back the guy says, "Put it back, now that you've used it." So I put it back. And as I leave, he says, "Thank you." I said, "Well, thank you! I'm never coming to this barn again." And I went back to my car. Now by this time, my sister's almost purple from the chicken bone...

I went into the gas station, said, "Fill 'er up, Harry." The guy said, "Regular?" I said, "No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy."

Well, my brother says "Hello." So, hooray for speech therapy.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

My girldfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I was driving down the highway, and I'm swerving all over, coz I'm trying to change the radio, and just as I get the old one taken out I hear this traffic cop behind me, "Whee-oo, whee-oo, whee-oo" .... well, I shouldn't make fun of his speech impediment... He asks me to walk in a straight line, so I do, then he asks me "You call that a straight line?". Well, I should have said, I SHOULD have said.... "yes". But I was nervous and the only thing I could think of was "Well Officer Pythagoras, the closest you'll ever come to a straight line is if they do an electroencephalagram of your own brain-wave."

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family."

Die, heretic scum
I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so I ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?", he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

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