Monty Python - HollyWood Bowl

The "We Were Poor" Sketch from "Monty Python Live at City Center" and "Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl"

Four well-dressed men sitting together at a vacation resort. "Farewell to Thee" being played in the background on Hawaiian guitar.

Michael Palin: Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.

Graham Chapman: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier wine, ay Gessiah?

Terry Gilliam: You&339;re right there Obediah.

Eric Idle: Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Chateau de Chassilier wine?

MP: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a cup o' tea.

GC: A cup ' COLD tea.

EI: Without milk or sugar.

TG: OR tea!

MP: In a filthy, cracked cup.

EI: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.

GC: The best WE could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

TG: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.

MP: Aye. BECAUSE we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness."

EI: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'. We used to live in this tiiiny old house, with greaaaaat big holes in the roof.

GC: House? You were lucky to have a HOUSE! We used to live in one room, all hundred and twenty-six of us, no furniture. Half the floor was missing; we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of FALLING!

TG: You were lucky to have a ROOM! *We* used to have to live in a corridor!

MP: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House!? Hmph.

EI: Well when I say "house" it was only a hole in the ground covered by a piece of tarpolin, but it was a house to US.

GC: We were evicted from *our* hole in the ground; we had to go and live in a lake!

TG: You were lucky to have a LAKE! There were a hundred and sixty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.

MP: Cardboard box?

TG: Aye.

MP: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o&339;clock in the morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down mill for fourteen hours a day week in-week out. When we got home, out Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!

GC: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to work at the mill every day for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we were LUCKY!

TG: Well we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues. We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife.

EI: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, (pause for laughter), eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing "Hallelujah."

MP: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.

ALL: Nope, nope..

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I'm afraid I'm suffering from what Dr's call Whooping Cough. That is; the failure of the autonomic nervous section of the brain to deal with the nerve impulses that enable you to retain some facts and eliminate others. The human brain is like an enormous fish. It's flat and slimy and has gills through which it can see. Should one of these gills fail to open the messages transmitted by the lungs don't reach the brain. It's as simple as that.

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Albatross Woman (John Cleese): Albatross! Albatross! Albatross! You're not supposed to be smoking that! Albatross! Don't take them!

American (Michael Palin): What flavor is it? What flavor is it?

Albatross Woman: Seagullsickle! Pelican-bonbon! Albatross!

Man with hat: Could I have... Could I have two icecreams, please?

Albatross Woman: I haven't got any icecreams, I just got this albatross!

Man with hat: Uh...

Albatross Woman: Albatross!

Man with hat: Uh, what flavor is it?

Albatross Woman: Well, it is an albatross, isn't it? It's not any bloody flavor! Albatross!

Man with hat: There's gotta be some flavor, I mean everything's got a flavor...

Albatross Woman: All right, all right! It's bloody albatross flavor! It's bleedin' seabird, bleedin' flavor! Albatross!

Man with hat: Do you get wafers with it?

Albatross Woman: Of course you don't have f**king wafers with it, you C*nt! It's a f**king albatross, I mean...

Graham Chapman: Stop that! Stop that! It's filthy! Hold on! Right now, we need you! The one in the black, we need you for another skit on stage. And you, get off! You're not even a proper woman!

Albatross Woman: Don't you oppress me, mate!

Graham Chapman: What are you trying to do? Avoid registration or something?

Albatross Woman: Bleedin' sexist!

Graham Chapman: Come on, we need you for a skit! No one enjoys a good laugh more than I do. Except perhaps for my wife and some of her friends. Oh, yes, and Captain Johnson. Come to think of it, most people enjoy a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point. Right! Let's get on with this skit! Where's the other person for this skit? Right, you want to sit in that chair? And...cue...the...skit!

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