How to leave the planet.

1. Phone NASA. Their phone number is (713) 483-3111. Explain to them that it's very important that you get away as soon as possible.

2. If they do not cooperate, phone any friends you have at the White House - (202) 456-1414 - To have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA.

3. If you don't have any friends in the White House, phone the Kremlin (now defunct, but they still pick up once in awhile, ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They don't have any friends there either (at least none to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try.

4. If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and it is said that his switchboard is infallible.

5. You can also attempt to reach Elvis at Graceland - (304) 624-2847. He is rumored to visit Earth when he tires of off planet existance. He drives a large, fast moving, pink spaceship that resembles a giant waffle iron with an egg beater stuck to the back, and has the letters "EP" monogramed on the side in gold paint.

6. If all of these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it is vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.

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