I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out... Then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything is all shiny.

I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every once in a while, I turn it on and off.... One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France.... She said "Cut it out"....

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I invented the cordless extension cord

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it'

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken I nthe night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact duplicate. I couldn't believe it? I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this, everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.

When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car...

I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone.

I put instant coffee in my microwave and almost went back in time.

I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Sponges grow in the ocean... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'.

My friend Winny sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

All the plants in my house are dead. I shot them last night. I like to tease them by watering them with ice cubes.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I went into the bar the other day and I saw the most georgeous woman, she had blue eyes and plaid hair. I went up to her and said, "So, do you live around here often?" She said, "Your socks aren't the same color." I said, "Yes, but to me, they're the same. I go by thickness." She said, "Are you feeling ok?" I said, "You know how when you're sitting on on chair and you lean back on two legs and you lean to far back and start to fall over but just at the last moment, you catch yourself?" She said, "Yeah???" I said, "I feel like that all the time."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go."

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...

I saw a subliminal advertising executive the other day. But only for a second.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in spanish.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one it wasn't doing what I was doing.

On the other hand, you have different fingers...

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. It's a very nice grassy area. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

I lost a button hole today.

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

My girlfriend Rachel's father is a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..."

I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again...

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I was skydiving horizontally

On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs

I just redecorated my appartment. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall... just so nobody would know

I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it

When I was little, my grandfater used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up..... I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

I'm really hyper tonight. (said with a very dull voice")

The judge asked: "what do you plead?" I said "insanity. your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?" then I asked him what time it was. He told me and I said "I have no further questions."

Having sex with Rachel is incredible. It's just like going to a concert. It really is. She throw frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match...

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

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